Online Dating: A Word from the Unwise

By Liz Walden

I’ve been in a few relationships: the good, the bad, and the ugly, as they say. But, dating in DFW is far from child’s play. All of the ones you don’t want, want you, and all of the ones you do want, don’t seem to. Seemingly the worst, though, is when you both agree and, finally, there is chemistry. One would think, and I have a couple of times thought, “This is it! Someone I like who also wants to be mine!”

And, from there, the thoughts and games begin. Do we play it cool and hard to get? Do we take the high road, as vulnerable as it is, and state that we too are all in? When they ask on the first date to be exclusive, what is the right choice? “No,” risking losing someone who doesn’t want to deal with their love interest being accessible to other boys, or, “Yes,” in which both cases I’ve experienced have resulted in men using the title to secure my devotion while playing the field. I shudder at the notion. It’s a world full of Choose Your Own Ending out here, and thus far, I haven’t been able to navigate the story well enough to not end up in tears.

Most of my friends: beautiful, successful, funny, and kind, are alone and waiting for someone they’re interested in to ask them, “Be mine.” In the Girl Scout troop I run, eight out of the 10 moms are young and divorced. In the cul-de-sac on which I live, a couple of neighbors are retirees and the rest are single women mowing their own lawn. We don’t want to step into our masculine energy, but sadly, we’re forced. Men claim to want feminine females, but we have to step into their role because our original partner in marriage chose side-girl fun, and quite honestly, it has taken its toll. “The grass is greener where you water it,” they say. 2024 and unfaithfulness in marriage is still not considered a crime in Texas. We long for the day!

Everyone is lonely, yet with all of the online dating options at our fingertips, we can’t seem to commit. The only ones committed to me, within the last year, were men devoted to themselves and deceit. Yet they still asked me to submit.

Do they not know the strength of a woman’s intuition? Texting others goodnight from the other room or making comments about dog hair in the bed being just that (and definitely not that of another woman). It doesn’t take much more than that for premonition. They’ll string you along and promise to meet your needs while time goes by and you graciously plea. Then, right at the end, when your patience runs thin, they’ll say it: that phrase we long to hear because they know it will buy them more time from you. 

Dear, I love you.

Now, here’s where it gets tricky.  I’ve only been interested in two men over the last year. When the words were uttered by the first, I didn’t return them. Three months in: how could he love me already; he hadn’t even asked me to go steady. His behavior was hot and cold, and I thought he had another woman, but how could I be sure? Again, men want feminine females, but it seems they need teaching on how to make us feel safely contained and secure.

A week later, he spoke to me about marriage, and I was shocked. I wanted that with him, but I needed consistency first. It was Christmas then, and within a week, he told me he had met someone else at church. My heart burst. It wasn’t until about three months later he admitted to having been dating her the whole time. Our chemistry was so intense that I really thought he was the one who would forever be mine.

Now, when the words were uttered by the second, I took a different approach and said them right back. The hot and cold behavior wasn’t present, and initially, we seemed like a good match.

I will admit (and embarrassingly so) that over time, there were unmet needs here as well. I asked for more time with him, but he had just increased his responsibility with an on-call position. The calls came in more frequently, which, in turn, meant less time for me. I was assured he too desired my time, but weeks without seeing each other went by. Six to be exact.

I had surgery and saw him two weeks after that. No, “What do you need; how can I help?” Just life as usual on his end, with an occasional chat. Meanwhile, I slept through the days, scheduling alarms for pain medication management and ice packs; my mind in a haze. I ruminated whether a relationship with a man who couldn’t care for me was something I could handle, even if it was due to his busy work schedule. 

One weekend, he said was all mine; then a last-minute cancellation, and this was the second time. I expressed my frustration; my trust was growing thin, but he assured me he’d take care of it and get time with me again. 

I said a prayer to the man above: “God, please help this man to love me the right way or take him away.” A risky move, but it set my nerves free to convey. I do find it worthy of noting here too that I said a similar prayer the night before. “I love you,” #1 man left too.

Having stronger boundaries is something I need, I must admit, but where is the line drawn when relationships require grace and growth before you quit? DFW men and women: The dating scene is my version of hell. I can thrive on my own, but true love is where one of my desires dwells.

Can we all just agree to do better; to not lie? Most think, in the end, we’re all held accountable for our actions when we die. Let me plead with the men and the masses: Your woman needs peace and safety and for you to lead; not participation in a dating scene that seems comparable to Ancient Greece.

Don’t lead her through chaos then wonder why she’s upset and her joy fades and leads her to cry.

Women: We too are to blame. When the pit in your stomach appears, you’re in the midst of a game. If you ask and beg and plead for his love, lack of respect is returned instead of any of the above. So, tonight, day one of no contact from me will begin, and I pray I have the strength to not give in again. People change and can learn and grow from mistakes. Men know kind women believe this deeply, so again they show face. Trust yourself. You know when goodbye is better for you than breadcrumbs and lies. From one learning human being to another, do better, or continue to suffer.

— Liz Walden

Liz Walden is a local writer, aspiring model, survivor, and real estate agent. You can follow her on Instagram at @the_holly_fern.